Monday, December 29, 2008

Getting That Dead Opossum Smell Out!

I'm throwing rocks at children out my window right now.  Just trying to make sense of life.  The little white girls seem to fall the hardest, but get up quicker than the rest.  Figures.  

I want to start a club called "Diet Starts Monday."  This club will meet on the last Friday of every month to dine in or dine out on a huge gluttonous meal.  The type of meal where you eat to the point of, "maybe I should just end it all now."  Good idea?  Great idea!

Pioneer-Chic should be the next fad.  I'm way ready for bonnets and campfires.  Aren't you?

By the way!  Ellen won the poll on my blog for America's Favorite Lesbian.  I'm not surprised about that, however I am surprised that Mae West didn't do better than Rosie.  I voted for Rosie myself.  The underdog, you know.  It was the American thing to do.  New poll coming soon!

Also too, I'm still in the mood for pumpkin pie.


You go ahead and take care of yourself then!

Blatantly Yours,
Cole



Sunday, December 21, 2008

On the steps of The Palace.

Yesterday was one of the top three best days of my life.  

I waited on the floor of the FREEZING lobby of The Palace for six hours to get rush tickets to see Liza.  To say it was a religious experience would be a gross understatement.  Liza is gay Mecca.  I won't even try to describe the experience.  Just go.

Went to a gay Christmas party last night.  I asked a guy for a hickey . . . and got one!  Woohoo!  I know they're supposed to be immature and they're "gross" and "tacky," but I love hickeys!  They remind me that someone liked me.  At least for the minute-and-a-half they were sucking on my neck.  They're like little love stamps!  Right on your neck (or other body parts, for you whores)!

Current mood: HAPPY AS A GODDAMN CLAM!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

C'est la vie.

And with a mist of rose water on my face for good luck, I'm off to wait in line for rush tickets to see Liza.  


I am SOOOO obvious.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

In the morning sometimes I _______.

Earlier today, as I paused my gay porn and stopped masturbating just long enough to talk to someone about rush tickets to Liza at the Palace I thought, "I am a gay gay gay man."

Love,
Cole

Monday, December 15, 2008

Holiday Chit Chat!

Sup fellas?

So.  I was killing some time on Google Images searching for "Christmas Party Dresses" earlier today (It's kind of what you do when you're me and you have a lot of time to kill), but wasn't seeing anything that really said "Christmas Party Dress" to me. 

Most of them were either really stupid...

Or really cute, but not Christmas-y enough...


But then I stumbled upon this...


First I laughed.  Then I cried.  Then I wondered where the photo came from.  I followed the trail of links to a blog titled "Stephanie Marie, Transgendered Southern Belle."  The blog is operated by Stephanie Marie, a "38-year-old transgendered gal in Concord, NC."  "As the title [of her blog] suggests," she says, "I love formal dresses, but my life is more than that now.  I invite you to learn a bit about a young girl and how she finds herself."

Now, I've yet to actually read the blog, but I'm eager to know what life is like for a transgendered person in North Carolina.  NORTH CAROLINA!  How does she survive?   How does ANYONE survive North Carolina?  Here's her blog: http://promqueensteph.blogspot.com

Meanwhile, I'd like a date for Christmas Eve.  My treat.  Your job is just to make sure I get home before I turn into a pumpkin.

Stay tuned for holiday craft ideas!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

A few things...

A)  This is my one year anniversary of coming back to New York!  It's also my one year anniversary of being a resident of Washington Heights.  So many wonderful and unusual things have happened!  

B)  I posted a craigslist ad a while ago for someone to come over and cuddle.  I got quite a few responses, but then people stopped corresponding with me after I sent them a picture.  I guess I shouldn't have been sending this picture:



I dunno.  Maybe I'm crazy.  But if some guy were to send me a picture of himself in his underwear holding an "O Magazine," I'd marry him.  Thoughts?

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

JOURNALISM

Hello Followers,

     Well, you'll be constipated to learn that this morning I came across some very sad, shocking news.  After I completed the task of drinking my morning Snapple, I rewarded myself by reading the Snapple fact under the lid.  It wasn't so much rewarding as it was devastating.  The fact read:

Pigs were banished from Philadelphia's city streets in the year 1710.

     After the initial shock I clipped my toenails.  Then I did some research to find out that this law has never been repealed.  I was appalled.  Then I was hungry.  Then I was appalled again and I wanted to do something about it.  I felt a need to tell the world how this outrageous law is still affecting many Americans today.  I sat down with my good friend, Leslie, who is a Pig-American living in New York City's Upper West Side for an interview.  (NOTE: The interview ran a little longer than expected so I took the liberty of dividing the interview into two parts.  The second part will be released here tomorrow.) 



INTERVIEW WITH LESLIE HOLGREEN - PART ONE
Cole:  Hi Leslie.
Leslie:  Hi.
C:  Are you comfortable?
L: Yes.
C:  Good
(Leslie takes a pig-like sip from her beverage mug)
C:  Is that coffee?
L:  No, Frank can't have coffee because of his heart.  We just keep tea in the house.
C:  Oh.  I didn't know he was having trouble with his heart.
L:  Well he's not now.  This was a couple years ago.  He's fine now.
C:  Oh.  Let's get started.

STAY TUNED! THE CONCLUDING HALF OF THIS INTERVIEW WILL BE POSTED TOMORROW!

Signed,
Cole

Monday, December 8, 2008

3 Things

Okay assholes.  I gots three things today:

1.  Why doesn't Judge Judy start blogging?  I'm pretty sure she has a lot to say and I'm VERY sure I'd like to hear it.

2.  Guacamole.  As in, "Where can I get really good guacamole in the city?"

3.  I think it'd be fun if you made it your goal tomorrow to put everybody you know in a really bad mood.  And I mean genuinely try to upset them.  I'm for sure gonna try it!  

That's all.  You can go now.  Congratulations on reading this blog, dumbasses.  If you're still not satisfied or you're just fuckin' stupid, here's a picture you can look at for a while 'till you get off your ass and do something:





This is James Van Der Beek.  He's crying because he's useless.

-Cole






Saturday, December 6, 2008

An Excerpt from "Little Mipsy and Her Big Christmas Miracle"

Salutations!  There are so many magical things to enjoy about the holiday season.  My favorite part of Christmas-time is hearing stories.  I LOVE Christmas stories!  A Christmas Carol is my favorite of them all (including all the variations on it).  You'll be thrilled to know that my affection for Christmas tales has inspired me to write a cheery, holiday story of my own called "Little Mipsy and Her Big Christmas Miracle."  It's a story about ignoring adversity and listening to your heart.  Here's a little excerpt from that story.  It's from a chapter called, "Good News at the Christmas Ball."  

"You there, girl! " Cried Lady Crispin, "Come out of that doorway and join the festivities!  Try some mulled wine and enjoy some of my marvelous honeyed ham!"

She said nothing.  She just stood there, gazing down, realizing what was about to happen.  She looked at her muddied hands, then up at the room of hushed guests staring at this dirty, ethereal young girl before them.  Suddenly, a mighty gust of wind caused the door behind her to burst open to reveal what had been going on all this while.  The severed goat innards were still dripping as they swayed in the tree.  The Centaur King was there too.  He laughed knowingly as he fed the growing army of alien children their cauldron of larva.  Christmas time was here."



Well I know it's hard to judge a whole story based on just a few lines but I hope you enjoyed it!  And that you'll purchase a copy when it comes out next Christmas.  Happy Holidays Everyone!  Be sure to let the ones you love know they're important to you.  That's what these Christmas stories are all about.


Thursday, December 4, 2008

Thursday.

Best Part of the Day:
I performed "Easy Street" with Jeffery for Ben Rimalower in his bedroom.  Do I smell a Jeffery & Cole Musical Revue?  . . . Nope.

Worst Part of the Day:
I blew chunks on the PATH Train.  I knew I was about to but there was nothing I could do about it.  I was stuck.  On the PATH Train.  And I was gonna fuckin' spew.  Finally it came up (chex mix and diet coke mostly) and I held it in my mouth so I could go between trains and let it out.  It felt good to just fuckin' let it out and not have to worry about anyone hearing or seeing me.  And it's kinda cool to ride in between train cars.  I'd never done it before.

Watching Stage Door now.  I want to play the Ginger Rogers part.  (Are you listening, Roundabout?  I think it's time for a REVIIIIIIIVAL!)