Last night when I was making macaroni I killed a cockroach. Of course it's something I'm used to doing by now, but last night stood out because it was one of those roach killings where I had to hunt it for a while, you know what I mean?
I saw it first on the wall behind the oven out of the corner of my eye, then it disappeared behind the counter so I waited and watched for it there. A couple minutes went by and then it came out from under the fridge. "How the fuck did he get down there?!" I moved fast but he moved faster (I don't actually know if it was a "he", but I have daddy issues and I like to project them if I get an opportunity like that). He went under the oven, obviously seeing that I was after him. "Shit!" I thought, "I've given myself away!" I shut off the lights and did that cartoon thing where they pretend to walk away by making their footsteps get lighter and lighter. The fucker fell for it! He came out from behind the oven again, saw me, and almost scurried into the flames on the stove (keep in mind, I was still making macaroni). I was just inches away from destroying him when he took shelter under a jar of silverware. I picked up the jar, but he had already made his way out the back. He was no fool. He knew I was going to pick up that jar. I had no idea where he was, but that made me twice as determined to find him. No more cartoon tricks! It was all animal instincts and reflexes from here on out. He poked his little roach head out from underneath a cutting board, disappeared, then poked it out from under a dish on the other side of the counter. I had no idea how he was getting from one place to the next without me seeing. It was EXACTLY like Pacman (if the ghosts in Pacman were a gay guy making pasta). Exasperated, I was about to take a break to salt the water (always salt the water in which you boil your pasta, it's the only chance to season the pasta itself!) when I saw him go back under the cutting board again. This time I was lightening-quick. Before he had a chance to even think about his next move I threw the cutting board out of the way and smacked down a bottle of Windex right on top of his soft-shell body. SMACK! "Nice try, asshole," I wish I would've said.
I've been told repeatedly that animals' minds don't actually work this way, but when I kill an insect I always leave the remains right where they are, AS A WARNING TO THE REST OF THEM! After that, I enjoyed my macaroni. But not before taking this...
I call this photo "I shoulda been a headhunter"
REST IN CORRECTNESS
6 days ago