Monday, November 30, 2009

A Doodle A Day #006

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Cat on Some Wet Aluminum Siding


I recently attended a gala for the American Ballet Company when someone asked me how I do it all. "Ha!" I said. Then I pretended like my mouth was full of food and left the gala. The truth is, I didn't want to share my secret. I thought if everyone starts living like me, I won't be special. "No one must know," I said to myself. But sitting in the backseat of my car uptown, I observed droves of lower-middle-class people funneling into a Subway station. My heart sank. "How can you be so selfish when there are millions out there who need your advice," I thought. So because the world is rife with sorrow, and because I have a bleeding heart, I'm going to tell you the three secrets that have put me where I am today: Right in the meat of things.

1. Sleep
It's important to fall asleep during sex to show the other person how comfortable you are. Dozing off during intercourse sends a message that says, "ugh... whatever." And that's the exact attitude that will keep everyone saying, "look how cool he is!" Kelly Rippa and I SWEAR BY IT.

2. A Balanced Breakfast
There's NO SUCH THING! Breakfast is the most deceptive meal of the day. "It provides energy for the day!" people say. Bullshit. You woke up without breakfast, right? You didn't need it to get out of bed, did you? Whatever you ate last night is plenty good enough to hold you over 'till the next night. "It boosts your metabolism," others say. Oh yeah? PROVE IT! Breakfast is an invention of gluttonous Americans.

3. Water
Water is nature's water. Scientists have been stressing its importance for over forty years. Did you know our bodies are 99% water? Frightening, isn't it? So drink up! To your health and mine!

You're welcome for this life-helping advice in these hard times. I hope you'll take these tips and run with them.

If you've any questions or concerns, please write them down somewhere just to give yourself something to do. Please don't actually send them to me (I have enough on my plate).

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Friday, November 27, 2009

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

A Doodle A Day #001

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Tips on Slowly Becoming an Aging Woman

Wow. I've only been 23 for a few sexy hours and already I feel so different. For instance right now I'm writing about being 23. I couldn't do that yesterday. CAN YOU EVEN WRAP YOUR SMALL MIND AROUND THAT? I can't believe that a year ago today I was like "Wow! 22! That's a lot!" How could I have known that 23 was just one year away. Anyway, today is my birthday and I want to put a couple things out there.

1. I'm with Jeffery right now and he just pointed out that Rob Marshall's face is weird.
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2. Take this in.
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3. I always make a resolution on my birthday. Last year it was to eat more vegetables and wear headphones when watching porn. This year I want to really challenge myself though. Which is why I'm starting a new project called "A DOODLE A DAY" wherein I'm going to doodle one picture and post it here every day until November 25th 2010! I'm starting today. I'll post my first doodle later.

Also, happy birthday to my friends Matt Sigl, Murray Hill, and Christina Applegate.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Moving and Feelings and Feelings and Moving

Here I am sitting on my bed again. This time, no pants at all. Just some underwear and an "ironic" t-shirt. Not to get Jeffery Self on y'all (wink), but I'm moving out today and I have to say it's pretty rough.

From my bed I can see the Empire State Building. Last night I said goodnight to it from my room for the last time. I got all pity-party on myself when I started thinking about what it's meant to me. You see folks, growing up I could only fall asleep if the TV was on, so I would put on a movie every night when I got into bed. And most of the time it was "James and the Giant Peach." And most of the time I tried to stay up until the peach landed on top of the Empire State Building. And now every night before I go to bed I see the Empire State Building for real, and I'm like, "Girl, you've landed in your own peach." But now I have to go. Midway through this pity party I got pissed at myself for recklessly embracing nostalgia. So I blew my nose on the sleeve of my "ironic" t-shirt and tried to forget about it. But then I was like, "FUCK THAT. EVERYTHING IN MODERATION INCLUDING NOSTALGIA," and the pity party resumed in full swing.

I should also note, for dramaturgical purposes, that along with the bedroom-window-view I am also leaving the man to whom I was romantically linked. However, I'm not leaving on a sour note, which is good, but makes it more difficult. He's part of my family now. Like a close cousin I've had sex with. In fact, I love him more than any of my real cousins I've had sex with. I mean it.

I'll be fine. As most of you know, I'm a sturdy lady. But I hate talking about feelings with people. Every time someone says the words, "I feel..." I turn off and try not to vomit as I leave. So I wanted to say it without actually saying it. So I've said it! Now it's time to move some boxes and get myself some lunch.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

To Mom

I'm sitting on my bed with my pants down, backwashing into a glass of Diet Coke, and it just hit me that I haven't seen my mother in a couple years.

So Mom, if you're reading this, and I know you're not because you can't even turn the computer on, I'm sorry it's been so long. I love you and I often catch myself daydreaming about visiting you. The first thing I'm gonna do when I get there is eat all your food and go through your pills. I can't wait. It'll be just like high-school, only now I have a higher tolerance for alcohol, psychological trauma from when I was mugged, and my own computer to watch porn. Growing up is just as magical as you promised!

Oh! Also, Dad called me. How did he get my number?