Monday, November 30, 2009

Cat on Some Wet Aluminum Siding

I recently attended a gala for the American Ballet Company when someone asked me how I do it all. "Ha!" I said. Then I pretended like my mouth was full of food and left the gala. The truth is, I didn't want to share my secret. I thought if everyone starts living like me, I won't be special. "No one must know," I said to myself. But sitting in the backseat of my car uptown, I observed droves of lower-middle-class people funneling into a Subway station. My heart sank. "How can you be so selfish when there are millions out there who need your advice," I thought. So because the world is rife with sorrow, and because I have a bleeding heart, I'm going to tell you the three secrets that have put me where I am today: Right in the meat of things.

1. Sleep
It's important to fall asleep during sex to show the other person how comfortable you are. Dozing off during intercourse sends a message that says, "ugh... whatever." And that's the exact attitude that will keep everyone saying, "look how cool he is!" Kelly Rippa and I SWEAR BY IT.

2. A Balanced Breakfast
There's NO SUCH THING! Breakfast is the most deceptive meal of the day. "It provides energy for the day!" people say. Bullshit. You woke up without breakfast, right? You didn't need it to get out of bed, did you? Whatever you ate last night is plenty good enough to hold you over 'till the next night. "It boosts your metabolism," others say. Oh yeah? PROVE IT! Breakfast is an invention of gluttonous Americans.

3. Water
Water is nature's water. Scientists have been stressing its importance for over forty years. Did you know our bodies are 99% water? Frightening, isn't it? So drink up! To your health and mine!

You're welcome for this life-helping advice in these hard times. I hope you'll take these tips and run with them.

If you've any questions or concerns, please write them down somewhere just to give yourself something to do. Please don't actually send them to me (I have enough on my plate).


John Keith said...

Somewhere this morning, Woody Allen is smiling.

Also, probably drooling spit outside the corners of his mouth. He's old.


Anonymous said...

Dear Cole. Do tell us, how do you maintain such a slight figure in a world full of such temptation?

Jon-Marc McDonald said...

The funniest person I have never met, you are!

wag_sea said...

I actually did fall asleep when having sex with some guy and started to snore.

He was oddly offended by it. I was offended by what he brought to the bed with him though so we were even.