I'm sitting on my bed with my pants down, backwashing into a glass of Diet Coke, and it just hit me that I haven't seen my mother in a couple years.
So Mom, if you're reading this, and I know you're not because you can't even turn the computer on, I'm sorry it's been so long. I love you and I often catch myself daydreaming about visiting you. The first thing I'm gonna do when I get there is eat all your food and go through your pills. I can't wait. It'll be just like high-school, only now I have a higher tolerance for alcohol, psychological trauma from when I was mugged, and my own computer to watch porn. Growing up is just as magical as you promised!
Oh! Also, Dad called me. How did he get my number?
REST IN CORRECTNESS
1 week ago