I'm sitting on my bed with my pants down, backwashing into a glass of Diet Coke, and it just hit me that I haven't seen my mother in a couple years.
So Mom, if you're reading this, and I know you're not because you can't even turn the computer on, I'm sorry it's been so long. I love you and I often catch myself daydreaming about visiting you. The first thing I'm gonna do when I get there is eat all your food and go through your pills. I can't wait. It'll be just like high-school, only now I have a higher tolerance for alcohol, psychological trauma from when I was mugged, and my own computer to watch porn. Growing up is just as magical as you promised!
Oh! Also, Dad called me. How did he get my number?
3 days ago