"I don't like women in skirts."

It makes me uneasy when Whoopi takes a day off from The View. Tomorrow when she comes back, she'll bring up every single topic they discussed while she was absent because she thinks America is dying to know her two cents. I mean I love her on the show but Jesus H. Something! I don't think I can take it. Tomorrow I'll be watching Martha instead (can't wait for a whole hour about the glories of artichokes!)

I want to start a charity where I distribute flasks to people who hate their jobs.

In the meantime, I better go work on my high-kicks if I'm really serious about being a Rockette this year.

Wanna see a picture of me in my grandmother's nightgown? Yes you do, tit-head! To see it, just click HERE!

Want a $10 ticket to the final performance of JEFFERY & COLE MAKE IT BIGGER? There's a reception in the lobby afterwards with FREE VODKA!! No? Not even--? Oh, okay. Well, if you know anyone who does just tell them to click HERE.

Later Lovers!

Body Shots, Guilt, Gayle King

This weekend was a party-and-a-half. If this was a movie I'd show a party montage wherein I do body shots off of several goat and shoot up heroin from a boat in middle of the African Congo. Unfortunately all I have to work with is text. So this is it. Words.

Since recently becoming unemployed a full-time comedienne I've been feeling INCREDIBLY guilty. "WHY AM I NOT BEING PRODUCTIVE RIGHT NOW? WHY AM I NOT MAKING MONEY RIGHT NOW?" This guilt doesn't motivate me to do any writing, it just makes me want to hide under a blanket. It's stifling. With all the time I spend feeling guilty and not writing I might as well go back to a day job. I won't though. This week I'd like to reach out to people I know who are unemployed full-time artists and see how they handle it all.

I wonder if Gayle King has feelings like that. Probably not anymore, but I bet she did. Does she have books out?

Speaking of body shots. I'll talk at ya later!

Blog with a Cherry on Top!

Isn't it always the way? Whenever I'm really fond of something I have the hardest time putting into words why exactly I'm fond of it. It makes me self-conscious. I feel I need to pick the perfect words. Well, I won't be able to do justice to his performance with my words, so I'll just tell you four things I noticed at Justin Bond's show at the Highline Ballroom last night.

1. I noticed that Justin looks and kind of moves like one of those floating people in a Chagall painting (I know that's kind of pretentious but don't you see it?)
2. I noticed that Our Lady J rocked the keys so hard I got chills. Also, she looked like a Tim Burton character with a hot sexy-librarian hairdo.
3. I noticed that when Justin performs it's kind of like that scene from Hocus Pocus when Bette Midler sings "I Put a Spell On You" and the audience is sooo captivated and you don't know if it's because she's a witch and she literally put a spell on the audience, or because Bette Midler's just a damn good performer. Bewitching, that's the word I'm looking for. I noticed Justin is bewitching.
4. I noticed I have a lot of friends that are doing really cool things. And that makes me feel cool. All I ever want is for my friends to be happy and to be able to masturbate whenever I feel like it. And guess what? The universe has given me that. Ain't got no money right now, but I'm sitting pretty. Perhaps this is the time for me to give something back. I'll let you know when I decide what.

IN OTHER NEWS: Jeffery and I are doing our play tonight, "Jeffery and Cole Make it Bigger." It's tonight at 10pm at Dixon Place which is on the Lower East Side. It's the second-to-last performance. The final one is next Thursday.

If you're lookin' for somethin' to do tonight (and I know you are!) you can get $10 Tickets HERE! Otherwise they're $18 at the door. Afterwards we're all going to Tailor (I fucking love that place) where Andrew Andrew will be spinning and also stirring shit up.

What AM I gonna wear to the ball-- room?

Jeffery and I are "introducing" Justin Bond tonight at his show at the Highline Ballroom. I don't really know what that means, to "introduce" someone at their show. I have an audio clip of Noel Coward introducing Marlene Dietrich before her London concert, but neither of us really write like Noel Coward. If we're not satisfied with the ideas we have, we'll just stick to taking our clothes off and referencing supporting actresses from our favorite eighties and nineties sitcoms. If'n you're in the NYC area and you're a fan of Justin Bond (and who isn't), please COME!

Birthday.

Happy Birthday Natalie Wood, Billy Mays, and Sandra Oh! Good job, guys! Billy and Natalie are probably splitting a banana cupcake in Hell, Sandra Oh is eating fish sandwiches alone in her bedroom (as a political statement until Lisa Ling's sister is home). And me? Well I'm getting by just fine.

I had company in for the weekend. Everyone always says this, but I do appreciate the opportunity to do things I normally wouldn't do.

On Saturday we went to see the Frank Lloyd Wright stuff at the Guggenheim. It's fun because you spend the whole time walking up the spiral staring at miniature models of Frank Lloyd Wright designs, then you get to the top and look out on the museum and all of a sudden, YOU'RE IN the miniature model.

After that we stood in a long line for burgers, let loose in a candy store, then saw a movie called Dead Snow a Norwegian horror film about Nazi Zombies at Cinema Village. If you love horror films, you HAVE to see this. If you're like me and you don't care much for them, it's still pretty cool to watch Norwegians getting ripped apart by speedy Zombie Nazis.

Anyhow, last night we went to a birthday BBQ in Queens. Not for Billy, Natalie, or Sandra. For my friend Marti. Happy Birthday, Marti! Anyhow.

I'm gonna go make weird shit happen today. Later!





P.S. It's a mean trick that she's gone, right? A mean, mean trick.

Friday Fag

Jesus H. you guys! The days seem to be FLYING by! It seems every time I plan for tomorrow it's already yesterday. Oh well! Right now it's today, and today I'm eating pineapple in bed. The man to whom I am romantically linked brought it to me (that's right bitch, bring me my fruit). Someday he's going to ask how come I never bring HIM anything. And I won't have an answer. And I'll be sleeping on the couch. Today, I'm also meeting a friend from out of town. I wish I could go out of town for a week or so.

I'm ITCH-ITCH-ITCHING to go on a vacation. My purse-strings are a little tight though. Maybe I'll pack a lunch and ride the 7 train to Queens and back. Anybody know a good vacation-on-a-budget destination? (And by budget, I mean $14). I'm not complaining. I'm broke and happy. But sometimes us actressy-types need a little space and a lot of sun to clear our heads. Just ask Joanne Worley.

Jeffery and I did our play last night. It was a crazy-mad-wonderful time. Opening nights are usually pretty swell because that's when it's all friends in the audience, but I still think it went pretty damn okay.

Watch a NEW episode of Jeffery & Cole Casserole tonight @11pm on Logo or watch it HERE right now! The bewitching and beguiling Justin Bond plays our principal in this episode. It also marks the return of Max Steele as Becky!

Anyhow! Chore time.

$10 TICKETS to Tonight's Show and a Creepy Picture of Me!

$10 tickets to JEFFERY & COLE MAKE IT BIGGER if you click HERE!

At the door they're $18! Gross, right?

These $10 tickets are only available for tonight's performance and you can only get them online. If you're like me and avoid bank accounts and debit or credit cards of any sort (FUCK THE SYSTEM!) and can only purchase tickets at the door, then you're out of luck. Most people aren't that way, though. So I've heard.

And here's a creepy picture of me.


Byebye!

Mom can you give me a ride to play practice?

Yesterday was my last day at my day job, the bakery. I'm having a go at surviving solely on my creative endeavors. For the first time I'm unemployed without the guilt of "GET A FUCKING JOB" looming over me. Today is day one, and so far it feels like the first day of spring break.

In my time, the Escolas didn't do anything for spring break. Mama Chris would tell me and Kyle not to break anything and then go to work. If she was paid recently, she'd leave $5 to get Subway for lunch (for some reason Subway is the only chain restaurant in Clatskanie Oregon). That fucking rocked my world then. I scheduled my days around TV. Maybe I would go to the library, but usually not. If I did, I would sneak the ladies home magazines over to an empty part of the children's section (once I timed my "private sessions with ladies' magazines" to happen right before story time and ended up staying for it because I was sitting on the newly debuted Real Simple magazine and had to wait for the room to clear. The book was "Amelia Bedilia Goes Camping"... I was thirteen).

My point is: today, so far, feels like that (minus the library hostage situation). It feels like my mom just left for work, I have the whole house to myself, and I NEED to figure out my daytime TV schedule IMMEDIATELY! That's not the case though.

I'm actually at the home of the man to whom I'm romantically linked (I'm at my boyfriend's apartment-- I just don't like the word boyfriend), he's in the kitchen making fresh juice for breakfast (that's right bitch, make my juice), and I NEED to figure out how I'm going to make money IMMEDIATELY!

I'm going to try not worrying though. They say it's when you don't worry about money that it comes to you (the proverbial "they"). We'll just fucking see, proverbial "they," we'll just fucking see...

Today I'm getting a hair cut. Then rehearsing Jeffery's and my play, JEFFERY & COLE MAKE IT BIGGER.

If you go You should try to go an hour before and see Max Steele (aka Becky from Jeffery & Cole Casserole, among MANY other things) curate some Queer Punk Readings.

Off to have my hair cut!

P.S. Um, now that I'm job-less am I turning into Jeffery? Why am I up early blogging?

Uh-oh! I was naughty!

FOR TICKETS AND INFO GO HERE:

www.tinyurl.com/VGLBoys