Goodnight, Irene

I can't believe it's been nine years since my grandma passed away. I still have clothes from back then! Hey-oh! But seriously folks. I wanted to do something nice for the dead broad because she sincerely meant a lot to me. She was the only person in all of my childhood that liked me. My family loved me, but they didn't really like to be around me or spend time with me. Grandma did. She used to call me her helper, but I liken myself more to a lapdog. She taught me how to read, how to draw barns, and how to box-step. She showed me Shirley Temple, Lawrence Welk, and that Pecan Dream is the best flavor of ice cream. In short, she taught me to be an old lady. To this day my mouth still waters when I hear someone talk about thimbles.

I looked for any and every excuse to be at her house. There were even two periods in my childhood when I was lucky enough to live with her: once when my dad chased us out of our trailer with a gun, and again when my mom went into rehab. Those events should have sad or angry feelings attached to them. They don't. All I can remember is how I was beside myself with excitement because I got to move into Grandma's. I slept in her room in a twin bed across the room from her twin bed. It was just like "I Love Lucy"! Actually, the whole situation reminds me of a realistic "I Love Lucy" reunion; 40 years later, Ricky's dead and Little Ricky's a drunken fuck-up so he sends his gay kid to live with his Grandma Lucy. I'd watch that! Anyhow, those were some of the happiest times of my life. It was during those periods that she got me into gameshows, scrapbooking, and rice pudding. What if that never happened!?!

As years went on my mom got herself a little more together and we moved out on our own. I finally made a couple friends my age at school, and Grandma started suffering from the early stages of Alzheimer's. Eventually, she couldn't live alone and had to be moved to a care facility. Later, it got so bad she could no longer walk, speak, or eat because the Alzheimer's took over those parts of her brain. On September 22nd, nine years ago, she died of Alzheimer's.

But that's not how she'd want to be remembered and that's not how I intend to remember her. And even though she trained me to be an old biddy (and I'm so grateful for that) that's not how I'll remember her either. Grandma made me feel completely safe when nobody else did. That's very important when you're little and weird. So thank you, Grandma Irene, for making me feel safe. It's saved my life more than once, I'm sure. I love you!

Some photos of the lady.



Still a teenager in Alberta, Canada. Feeding a deer, as you do.



IRENE EMERSON: CAREER GIRL. My grandma worked part-time as a phone operator and a seamstress.



My grandma always wore black on Christmas. Class.




Goodnight, Irene.

Cockroach Caper!

Last night when I was making macaroni I killed a cockroach. Of course it's something I'm used to doing by now, but last night stood out because it was one of those roach killings where I had to hunt it for a while, you know what I mean?

I saw it first on the wall behind the oven out of the corner of my eye, then it disappeared behind the counter so I waited and watched for it there. A couple minutes went by and then it came out from under the fridge. "How the fuck did he get down there?!" I moved fast but he moved faster (I don't actually know if it was a "he", but I have daddy issues and I like to project them if I get an opportunity like that). He went under the oven, obviously seeing that I was after him. "Shit!" I thought, "I've given myself away!" I shut off the lights and did that cartoon thing where they pretend to walk away by making their footsteps get lighter and lighter. The fucker fell for it! He came out from behind the oven again, saw me, and almost scurried into the flames on the stove (keep in mind, I was still making macaroni). I was just inches away from destroying him when he took shelter under a jar of silverware. I picked up the jar, but he had already made his way out the back. He was no fool. He knew I was going to pick up that jar. I had no idea where he was, but that made me twice as determined to find him. No more cartoon tricks! It was all animal instincts and reflexes from here on out. He poked his little roach head out from underneath a cutting board, disappeared, then poked it out from under a dish on the other side of the counter. I had no idea how he was getting from one place to the next without me seeing. It was EXACTLY like Pacman (if the ghosts in Pacman were a gay guy making pasta). Exasperated, I was about to take a break to salt the water (always salt the water in which you boil your pasta, it's the only chance to season the pasta itself!) when I saw him go back under the cutting board again. This time I was lightening-quick. Before he had a chance to even think about his next move I threw the cutting board out of the way and smacked down a bottle of Windex right on top of his soft-shell body. SMACK! "Nice try, asshole," I wish I would've said.

I've been told repeatedly that animals' minds don't actually work this way, but when I kill an insect I always leave the remains right where they are, AS A WARNING TO THE REST OF THEM! After that, I enjoyed my macaroni. But not before taking this...

I call this photo "I shoulda been a headhunter"

Cole on Law & Order?

I booked a bit part on Law & Order!!! I have dialogue and a couple of scenes and that's all I should say because I don't want to give away any of the plot. I'm all wet 'n' sticky with excitement!! It's a small step for most actresses, but a big step for me! It films later this week which is why JEFFERY & COLE CASSEROLE: LIVE! has been moved from Friday, 9/11 to Sunday, 9/13. I've never been on the set of a TV show that wasn't Jeffery's apartment. I'm sooooooo curious to see how it all goes down. I'm nervous but it's okay because...

I'm dying to talk more about it but I've been obnoxious enough for one day. But just wait'll I tell you about the part I'm playing! You'll die!

P.S. It's plain ol' regular classic Law & Order, not SVU or Criminal Intent