Cole Escola: Lifestyles

NEW BLOG LOCATION!

2010-01-27T13:45:00.000-08:00

I moved my blog, click below to reach the new and improved
COLE ESCOLA'S BLOG

A Doodle A Day #061

2010-01-24T11:26:00.001-08:00

A Doodle A Day #060

2010-01-23T12:01:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #059

2010-01-23T11:30:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #058

2010-01-21T13:17:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #057

2010-01-21T13:16:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #056

2010-01-19T14:56:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #055

2010-01-19T14:55:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #054

2010-01-19T14:54:00.001-08:00

A Doodle A Day #053

2010-01-16T12:12:00.000-08:00

This is just one page of my new book.

A Doodle A Day #052

2010-01-15T11:49:00.001-08:00

A Doodle A Day #051

2010-01-15T11:40:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #050

2010-01-14T11:04:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #049

2010-01-14T10:26:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #047

2010-01-11T07:01:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #048

2010-01-11T06:36:00.000-08:00

A NEW CHILDREN'S BOOK!

Ever see an unstable national treasure chase a mouse (no, Nathan Lane in Mouse Hunt does not count)? Well you're about to! Join Liza as she stumbles around New York City to reclaim what's rightfully hers: HER CHEESE! Here's what people have been saying about Liza Minnelli & The Missing Cheese:

"Like Liza herself, this book is riveting and smells like cigarettes." - The New York Times

"I don't think I should be reviewing this book. I don't do that. Who let you in the building; was it Don?" - Vera Wang

"I kind of thought I'd be in it." - Jim Caruso

A Doodle A Day #046

2010-01-09T18:03:00.001-08:00

A Doodle A Day #045

2010-01-08T14:05:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #044

2010-01-07T14:20:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #043

2010-01-06T23:37:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #042

2010-01-05T09:13:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #041

2010-01-04T16:33:00.000-08:00

Side Note: Some of the previous doodles got deleted by the image hosting site I use. It's been fixed but their order might be different since I had to just figure it out from my goddamn memory.

A Doodle A Day #040

2010-01-03T23:19:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #039

2010-01-02T20:57:00.000-08:00

"Pam, dear, you've been thinking about that box of wet fruit ALL DAY! Give it a rest!"

A Doodle A Day #038

2010-01-02T20:56:00.002-08:00

A Doodle A Day #037

2010-01-02T20:56:00.001-08:00

New Year Blog.

2009-12-31T11:40:00.000-08:00

This is me picking out a cookie at Amy's Bread earlier this year. Photo taken by Earl Dax.

Dear Loyal Servants,

You probably won't be surprised when I tell you I'm writing this entry from a hot air balloon right now. That so fits my character and who I am, right? As I type this I'm above 68th St. and Broadway where Kerri Russell is running out of the Food Emporium carrying what looks like a hundred boxes of Jello Chocolate Pudding. Oh, she's being chased by a clerk! He looks pissed! She's screaming something at him. She just shouted, "You can't catch me! I got all the magic puddings!" Oh... someone just pummeled her. Yeah... she's down. Kerri Russell's down; they got her.

Wow! The year 2009 just keeps on giving, doesn't it? I'd like to recap my year for you, but I won't. In short, it included a new career, some good face-time on TV, and Patti LuPone. Not too shabby for someone who's beat the shit out of a toddler. But my stomach is sore now and I'd like to put the computer down in time for when the balloon passes over those chairs in Times Square. I'm going to take a hot dump on the crowd below. Happy New Year!!!

America's Own,
Cole Escola

A Doodle A Day #036

2009-12-30T23:19:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #035

2009-12-29T19:08:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #034

2009-12-28T13:02:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #033

2009-12-27T20:30:00.000-08:00

A Note on this Doodle:

For those of you who hang on my every word, you'll remember that a while ago I had a dream in which Ruth Gordon said to me "Being happy is not the same as having fun." Well, I was flipping through my dream/idea/to-kill-list journal and I also wrote down she told me "invest in love." Hence this sketch.

A Doodle A Day #032

2009-12-26T23:45:00.001-08:00

A Doodle A Day #031

2009-12-25T12:21:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #030

2009-12-24T16:07:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #029

2009-12-23T16:11:00.001-08:00

Side Note: Yesterday's doodle (#028) posted to my blog beneath the previous day's (#027). I don't know what happened. It seems there was either a glitch in the system or the infidels have succeeded in their terrorist attack on my blog. DAMN YOU! I'll fix it later when I feel like it.

A Doodle A Day #027

2009-12-21T20:46:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #028

2009-12-21T11:38:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #026

2009-12-20T22:25:00.001-08:00

A Doodle A Day #025

2009-12-19T14:35:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #024

2009-12-18T14:38:00.001-08:00

A Doodle A Day #023

2009-12-17T21:01:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #022

2009-12-16T23:56:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #021

2009-12-15T14:35:00.001-08:00

A Doodle A Day #020

2009-12-14T20:31:00.000-08:00

Pukey Pukerson

2009-12-14T12:43:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #019

2009-12-13T20:39:00.000-08:00

I call this one "

A Doodle A Day #018

2009-12-12T16:12:00.001-08:00

A Doodle A Day #017

2009-12-11T10:19:00.000-08:00

The Tortise and the Hare

A Doodle A Day #016

2009-12-10T11:49:00.001-08:00

A Doodle A Day #015

2009-12-09T19:24:00.001-08:00

THE SADDEST SIDE OF NECROPHILIA

A Doodle A Day #014

2009-12-08T19:38:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #013

2009-12-07T15:37:00.001-08:00

In this whimsical tale of friendship and heart, writer Joan Didion teaches Bobo, an infant giraffe without any spots, how shifting the structure of a sentence can alter its meaning. In return, Bobo teaches Didion how to smile and wear color. Check your local bookstores this Valentine's Day!

Canned Food Drive

2009-12-07T12:23:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #012

2009-12-06T16:47:00.001-08:00

A Doodle A Day #011

2009-12-05T14:25:00.000-08:00

OMG! How pissed would you be if you were that hamburger?!

A Doodle A Day #010

2009-12-04T14:49:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #009

2009-12-03T11:34:00.000-08:00

The Hatching of Bernadette

A Doodle A Day #008

2009-12-02T14:25:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #007

2009-12-01T16:13:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #006

2009-11-30T14:35:00.000-08:00

Cat on Some Wet Aluminum Siding

2009-11-30T08:31:00.000-08:00

I recently attended a gala for the American Ballet Company when someone asked me how I do it all. "Ha!" I said. Then I pretended like my mouth was full of food and left the gala. The truth is, I didn't want to share my secret. I thought if everyone starts living like me, I won't be special. "No one must know," I said to myself. But sitting in the backseat of my car uptown, I observed droves of lower-middle-class people funneling into a Subway station. My heart sank. "How can you be so selfish when there are millions out there who need your advice," I thought. So because the world is rife with sorrow, and because I have a bleeding heart, I'm going to tell you the three secrets that have put me where I am today: Right in the meat of things.

1. Sleep
It's important to fall asleep during sex to show the other person how comfortable you are. Dozing off during intercourse sends a message that says, "ugh... whatever." And that's the exact attitude that will keep everyone saying, "look how cool he is!" Kelly Rippa and I SWEAR BY IT.

2. A Balanced Breakfast
There's NO SUCH THING! Breakfast is the most deceptive meal of the day. "It provides energy for the day!" people say. Bullshit. You woke up without breakfast, right? You didn't need it to get out of bed, did you? Whatever you ate last night is plenty good enough to hold you over 'till the next night. "It boosts your metabolism," others say. Oh yeah? PROVE IT! Breakfast is an invention of gluttonous Americans.

3. Water
Water is nature's water. Scientists have been stressing its importance for over forty years. Did you know our bodies are 99% water? Frightening, isn't it? So drink up! To your health and mine!

You're welcome for this life-helping advice in these hard times. I hope you'll take these tips and run with them.

If you've any questions or concerns, please write them down somewhere just to give yourself something to do. Please don't actually send them to me (I have enough on my plate).

A Doodle A Day #005

2009-11-29T14:43:00.001-08:00

A Doodle A Day #004

2009-11-28T14:02:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #003

2009-11-27T15:11:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #002

2009-11-26T08:42:00.000-08:00

A Doodle A Day #001

2009-11-25T11:44:00.001-08:00

Tips on Slowly Becoming an Aging Woman

2009-11-25T08:09:00.000-08:00

Wow. I've only been 23 for a few sexy hours and already I feel so different. For instance right now I'm writing about being 23. I couldn't do that yesterday. CAN YOU EVEN WRAP YOUR SMALL MIND AROUND THAT? I can't believe that a year ago today I was like "Wow! 22! That's a lot!" How could I have known that 23 was just one year away. Anyway, today is my birthday and I want to put a couple things out there.

1. I'm with Jeffery right now and he just pointed out that Rob Marshall's face is weird.

2. Take this in.

3. I always make a resolution on my birthday. Last year it was to eat more vegetables and wear headphones when watching porn. This year I want to really challenge myself though. Which is why I'm starting a new project called "A DOODLE A DAY" wherein I'm going to doodle one picture and post it here every day until November 25th 2010! I'm starting today. I'll post my first doodle later.

Also, happy birthday to my friends Matt Sigl, Murray Hill, and Christina Applegate.

Moving and Feelings and Feelings and Moving

2009-11-12T07:58:00.000-08:00

Here I am sitting on my bed again. This time, no pants at all. Just some underwear and an "ironic" t-shirt. Not to get Jeffery Self on y'all (wink), but I'm moving out today and I have to say it's pretty rough.

From my bed I can see the Empire State Building. Last night I said goodnight to it from my room for the last time. I got all pity-party on myself when I started thinking about what it's meant to me. You see folks, growing up I could only fall asleep if the TV was on, so I would put on a movie every night when I got into bed. And most of the time it was "James and the Giant Peach." And most of the time I tried to stay up until the peach landed on top of the Empire State Building. And now every night before I go to bed I see the Empire State Building for real, and I'm like, "Girl, you've landed in your own peach." But now I have to go. Midway through this pity party I got pissed at myself for recklessly embracing nostalgia. So I blew my nose on the sleeve of my "ironic" t-shirt and tried to forget about it. But then I was like, "FUCK THAT. EVERYTHING IN MODERATION INCLUDING NOSTALGIA," and the pity party resumed in full swing.

I should also note, for dramaturgical purposes, that along with the bedroom-window-view I am also leaving the man to whom I was romantically linked. However, I'm not leaving on a sour note, which is good, but makes it more difficult. He's part of my family now. Like a close cousin I've had sex with. In fact, I love him more than any of my real cousins I've had sex with. I mean it.

I'll be fine. As most of you know, I'm a sturdy lady. But I hate talking about feelings with people. Every time someone says the words, "I feel..." I turn off and try not to vomit as I leave. So I wanted to say it without actually saying it. So I've said it! Now it's time to move some boxes and get myself some lunch.

To Mom

2009-11-07T13:36:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting on my bed with my pants down, backwashing into a glass of Diet Coke, and it just hit me that I haven't seen my mother in a couple years.

So Mom, if you're reading this, and I know you're not because you can't even turn the computer on, I'm sorry it's been so long. I love you and I often catch myself daydreaming about visiting you. The first thing I'm gonna do when I get there is eat all your food and go through your pills. I can't wait. It'll be just like high-school, only now I have a higher tolerance for alcohol, psychological trauma from when I was mugged, and my own computer to watch porn. Growing up is just as magical as you promised!

Oh! Also, Dad called me. How did he get my number?

Cole Escola sings Taylor Swift's "Fifteen at Our Hit Parade at Joe's Pub

2009-10-30T08:52:00.001-07:00

Goodnight, Irene

2009-09-22T08:34:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's been nine years since my grandma passed away. I still have clothes from back then! Hey-oh! But seriously folks. I wanted to do something nice for the dead broad because she sincerely meant a lot to me. She was the only person in all of my childhood that liked me. My family loved me, but they didn't really like to be around me or spend time with me. Grandma did. She used to call me her helper, but I liken myself more to a lapdog. She taught me how to read, how to draw barns, and how to box-step. She showed me Shirley Temple, Lawrence Welk, and that Pecan Dream is the best flavor of ice cream. In short, she taught me to be an old lady. To this day my mouth still waters when I hear someone talk about thimbles.

I looked for any and every excuse to be at her house. There were even two periods in my childhood when I was lucky enough to live with her: once when my dad chased us out of our trailer with a gun, and again when my mom went into rehab. Those events should have sad or angry feelings attached to them. They don't. All I can remember is how I was beside myself with excitement because I got to move into Grandma's. I slept in her room in a twin bed across the room from her twin bed. It was just like "I Love Lucy"! Actually, the whole situation reminds me of a realistic "I Love Lucy" reunion; 40 years later, Ricky's dead and Little Ricky's a drunken fuck-up so he sends his gay kid to live with his Grandma Lucy. I'd watch that! Anyhow, those were some of the happiest times of my life. It was during those periods that she got me into gameshows, scrapbooking, and rice pudding. What if that never happened!?!

As years went on my mom got herself a little more together and we moved out on our own. I finally made a couple friends my age at school, and Grandma started suffering from the early stages of Alzheimer's. Eventually, she couldn't live alone and had to be moved to a care facility. Later, it got so bad she could no longer walk, speak, or eat because the Alzheimer's took over those parts of her brain. On September 22nd, nine years ago, she died of Alzheimer's.

But that's not how she'd want to be remembered and that's not how I intend to remember her. And even though she trained me to be an old biddy (and I'm so grateful for that) that's not how I'll remember her either. Grandma made me feel completely safe when nobody else did. That's very important when you're little and weird. So thank you, Grandma Irene, for making me feel safe. It's saved my life more than once, I'm sure. I love you!

Some photos of the lady.

Still a teenager in Alberta, Canada. Feeding a deer, as you do.

IRENE EMERSON: CAREER GIRL. My grandma worked part-time as a phone operator and a seamstress.

My grandma always wore black on Christmas. Class.

Goodnight, Irene.

Cockroach Caper!

2009-09-07T10:19:00.000-07:00

Last night when I was making macaroni I killed a cockroach. Of course it's something I'm used to doing by now, but last night stood out because it was one of those roach killings where I had to hunt it for a while, you know what I mean?

I saw it first on the wall behind the oven out of the corner of my eye, then it disappeared behind the counter so I waited and watched for it there. A couple minutes went by and then it came out from under the fridge. "How the fuck did he get down there?!" I moved fast but he moved faster (I don't actually know if it was a "he", but I have daddy issues and I like to project them if I get an opportunity like that). He went under the oven, obviously seeing that I was after him. "Shit!" I thought, "I've given myself away!" I shut off the lights and did that cartoon thing where they pretend to walk away by making their footsteps get lighter and lighter. The fucker fell for it! He came out from behind the oven again, saw me, and almost scurried into the flames on the stove (keep in mind, I was still making macaroni). I was just inches away from destroying him when he took shelter under a jar of silverware. I picked up the jar, but he had already made his way out the back. He was no fool. He knew I was going to pick up that jar. I had no idea where he was, but that made me twice as determined to find him. No more cartoon tricks! It was all animal instincts and reflexes from here on out. He poked his little roach head out from underneath a cutting board, disappeared, then poked it out from under a dish on the other side of the counter. I had no idea how he was getting from one place to the next without me seeing. It was EXACTLY like Pacman (if the ghosts in Pacman were a gay guy making pasta). Exasperated, I was about to take a break to salt the water (always salt the water in which you boil your pasta, it's the only chance to season the pasta itself!) when I saw him go back under the cutting board again. This time I was lightening-quick. Before he had a chance to even think about his next move I threw the cutting board out of the way and smacked down a bottle of Windex right on top of his soft-shell body. SMACK! "Nice try, asshole," I wish I would've said.

I've been told repeatedly that animals' minds don't actually work this way, but when I kill an insect I always leave the remains right where they are, AS A WARNING TO THE REST OF THEM! After that, I enjoyed my macaroni. But not before taking this...

I call this photo "I shoulda been a headhunter"

Cole on Law & Order?

2009-09-05T11:01:00.000-07:00

I booked a bit part on Law & Order!!! I have dialogue and a couple of scenes and that's all I should say because I don't want to give away any of the plot. I'm all wet 'n' sticky with excitement!! It's a small step for most actresses, but a big step for me! It films later this week which is why JEFFERY & COLE CASSEROLE: LIVE! has been moved from Friday, 9/11 to Sunday, 9/13. I've never been on the set of a TV show that wasn't Jeffery's apartment. I'm sooooooo curious to see how it all goes down. I'm nervous but it's okay because...

I'm dying to talk more about it but I've been obnoxious enough for one day. But just wait'll I tell you about the part I'm playing! You'll die!

P.S. It's plain ol' regular classic Law & Order, not SVU or Criminal Intent

Miss Duvall, How May I Help You?

2009-08-30T12:10:00.000-07:00

Shelley Duvall, one of my favorite actresses and style icons, has reportedly lost her marbles. I've read several press articles that say Shelley Duvall believes she has a portal for aliens in her backyard. Some articles even say she believes they're living inside her. Kind of sad. At least I can rest knowing she has lots of new friends! Here's a little something to remember the old Shelley Duvall by.

Ahhh! If only the aliens had picked Shelley Long instead! Alas.

In other news I'm on day two of a juice fast. I have NO idea why I'm doing it. But I've started, and I feel like I should finish what I've started. I'm doing it with another person since misery loves company. Last night was particularly miserable as images of food danced around my head and pulled at my hunger strings. Bologna sandwiches! Figs and goat cheese! Pumpkin pie! These thoughts kept me up for hours. I tweeted how hungry I was last night and AndrewAndrew (of AndrewAndrew fame) showed me the light and told me to have a hamburger and a big hunk of cheese. "Life is too short!" they told me. They're right. But I'm stubborn. And now that it's been a whole day I'm thinking, "why not?" We'll see. I've promised at least three days, with a goal of five.

I'm starting to jot down some more ideas for Joyce. I figure I ought to, before the aliens get to me too.

Bewitched Be-Monday

2009-08-23T21:49:00.000-07:00

I was watching Bewitched late last night and it was one of the episodes featuring Serena (Samantha's evil identical cousin) and I thought, "I want an evil identical cousin too!" Then I realized I don't need an evil identical cousin; I AM an evil identical cousin! It was a really big breakthrough for me. I'm lucky to have had that realization so early on in my life. Now I just have to find my Samantha.

After that I started to watch 'Chitty Chitty Bang Bang' but as I'm sure we've all come to learn by now, it's impossible to start a Sherman Brothers' Musical at 1am and expect to stay up for the whole thing.

I'm really revved up for fall. I can't wait to get sweaters.

Now here's something to watch if you want something to watch:

Am I right or am I right?

NETFLIX

2009-08-19T08:36:00.000-07:00

I may be late to jump on this wagon, but as we say back home in Oregon, "Better late than never! And get the hell off my wagon!"

With the ability to watch thousands of movies and TV shows instantly on your computer, you're a complete fuck-up if you don't sign up for Netflix. Right now, the man to whom I'm romantically linked and I are doing a one-month free trial. So far "the man" has received one movie in the mail and fell asleep trying to watch it. Meanwhile, I've been treating Netflix like free crack. It just seems too good to be true! I hate leaving my computer because I'm afraid Netflix will go away if I'm not looking. My only complaint is that Netflix, unlike crack, doesn't curb your appetite.

Anyhow. I'm thinking this weekend I'm going to try making Strawberry-Rhubarb Cobbler using Momm's recipe. I'll take a picture.

Anyhow. Back to Netflix.

Someday I'll be strong like Jane Wyman

2009-08-14T05:16:00.000-07:00

I saw Julie & Julia the other day. It was glorious to watch Meryl have so much fun giving that performance. I couldn't help noticing the parallel of Meryl teaching Amy Adams the joy of acting as Julie learned the joy of cooking from Julia. Not a difficult parallel to notice if you happen to be a pansy (like me).

I was so inspired by the film that last night I made dinner. It was a variation on macaroni with hot dogs cut up in it. It was white cheddar macaroni and instead of milk, I used yogurt to give it a li'l extra tang (that's a suggestion on the box, a suggestion well worth taking). And instead of hotdogs I used Chicken sausage with Bell Peppers and Asiago. With it I served sweet potato fries (which I burned) and steamed kale.

This weekend I plan to watch Pollyanna. I watch it every summer. It's about Hayleigh Mills moving in with Jane Wyman and making her not such a bitch. I'm summarizing, but it's one of my favorite movies. Agnes Moorhead gives a stellar performance as an old bitch too. Speaking of Bewitched guest stars...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALICE GHOSTLEY! Though she's not with us in body, she's alive and well on YouTube. This is a clip from Designing Women. I think this is where Liza got her schtick.

Town Hall Meetings

2009-08-13T08:10:00.000-07:00

How 'bout them town hall meetings! In case you only watch the Disney Channel (and hey, I'm with you), here's Rachel Maddow's take on the crazy shit that's been goin' down in our nation lately.

AHHHHHHHHH!!! I know I should feel empathy for the folks at these meetings and just wish they knew the truth, but mostly I feel like, "Good. Those morbidly obese diabetics deserve all their medical problems. If they want to riot against healthcare reform without even hearing what it is, let them!"

Also, the weather's not to my liking today.

FRYDAI

2009-08-07T06:41:00.000-07:00

Good morning, Poopsies.

I'm on day three of this writers' retreat. The dorm we're staying in looks like a frat house from a horror movie. Last night Jeffery and I sat outside on the lawn to drink our wine and I kept thinking we were going to be murdered. I mean, there's crime in New York, sure. But college campuses are where the CRAZY shit goes down. Like serial killers, missing persons, and body parts being found on different parts of campus. Or like intestines pulled out and formed into words in cursive next to the victim's body. Or like two people get decapitated and they're found with their heads switched onto the others' body. What I'm trying to say is that if your parents sent you to college, they secretly want you to be slaughtered and killed in really fucked up ways. So keep that in mind, college folk, when you're making plans for holiday breaks.

In other news: there's a production of 'Into the Woods' being put on by the Exit 7 Players tonight and tomorrow at the Exit 7 Theater (in Ludlow, Mass. just off Exit 7) and Jeffery and I REALLY want to go. Alas, I don't think we'll have time.

We HAVE been getting good writin' done, I think.

In OTHER other news: Tonight is the SEASON FINALE of JEFFERY & COLE CASSEROLE! Awwwww! Watch tonight at 11pm for a very special episode with lots of Becky!

Speaking of Becky!, it's Max Steele's birthday today! (Max plays Becky) If you're on Twitter, tweet at him "Happy Birthday Becky!" He'll get a big kick out of that. His name is billycheer on Twitter.

You can watch all episodes of JEFFERY & COLE CASSEROLE for free HERE

OR if you wanna watch them on the Tube, Logo is doing a marathon of all six episodes tomorrow night at 10pm.

"I don't like women in skirts."

2009-07-30T09:47:00.000-07:00

It makes me uneasy when Whoopi takes a day off from The View. Tomorrow when she comes back, she'll bring up every single topic they discussed while she was absent because she thinks America is dying to know her two cents. I mean I love her on the show but Jesus H. Something! I don't think I can take it. Tomorrow I'll be watching Martha instead (can't wait for a whole hour about the glories of artichokes!)

I want to start a charity where I distribute flasks to people who hate their jobs.

In the meantime, I better go work on my high-kicks if I'm really serious about being a Rockette this year.

Wanna see a picture of me in my grandmother's nightgown? Yes you do, tit-head! To see it, just click HERE!

Want a $10 ticket to the final performance of JEFFERY & COLE MAKE IT BIGGER? There's a reception in the lobby afterwards with FREE VODKA!! No? Not even--? Oh, okay. Well, if you know anyone who does just tell them to click HERE.

Later Lovers!

Body Shots, Guilt, Gayle King

2009-07-27T09:58:00.000-07:00

This weekend was a party-and-a-half. If this was a movie I'd show a party montage wherein I do body shots off of several goat and shoot up heroin from a boat in middle of the African Congo. Unfortunately all I have to work with is text. So this is it. Words.

Since recently becoming ~~unemployed~~ a full-time comedienne I've been feeling INCREDIBLY guilty. "WHY AM I NOT BEING PRODUCTIVE RIGHT NOW? WHY AM I NOT MAKING MONEY RIGHT NOW?" This guilt doesn't motivate me to do any writing, it just makes me want to hide under a blanket. It's stifling. With all the time I spend feeling guilty and not writing I might as well go back to a day job. I won't though. This week I'd like to reach out to people I know who are ~~unemployed~~ full-time artists and see how they handle it all.

I wonder if Gayle King has feelings like that. Probably not anymore, but I bet she did. Does she have books out?

Speaking of body shots. I'll talk at ya later!

Blog with a Cherry on Top!

2009-07-23T05:44:00.000-07:00

Isn't it always the way? Whenever I'm really fond of something I have the hardest time putting into words why exactly I'm fond of it. It makes me self-conscious. I feel I need to pick the perfect words. Well, I won't be able to do justice to his performance with my words, so I'll just tell you four things I noticed at Justin Bond's show at the Highline Ballroom last night.

1. I noticed that Justin looks and kind of moves like one of those floating people in a Chagall painting (I know that's kind of pretentious but don't you see it?)
2. I noticed that Our Lady J rocked the keys so hard I got chills. Also, she looked like a Tim Burton character with a hot sexy-librarian hairdo.
3. I noticed that when Justin performs it's kind of like that scene from Hocus Pocus when Bette Midler sings "I Put a Spell On You" and the audience is sooo captivated and you don't know if it's because she's a witch and she literally put a spell on the audience, or because Bette Midler's just a damn good performer. Bewitching, that's the word I'm looking for. I noticed Justin is bewitching.
4. I noticed I have a lot of friends that are doing really cool things. And that makes me feel cool. All I ever want is for my friends to be happy and to be able to masturbate whenever I feel like it. And guess what? The universe has given me that. Ain't got no money right now, but I'm sitting pretty. Perhaps this is the time for me to give something back. I'll let you know when I decide what.

IN OTHER NEWS: Jeffery and I are doing our play tonight, "Jeffery and Cole Make it Bigger." It's tonight at 10pm at Dixon Place which is on the Lower East Side. It's the second-to-last performance. The final one is next Thursday.

If you're lookin' for somethin' to do tonight (and I know you are!) you can get $10 Tickets HERE! Otherwise they're $18 at the door. Afterwards we're all going to Tailor (I fucking love that place) where Andrew Andrew will be spinning and also stirring shit up.

What AM I gonna wear to the ball-- room?

2009-07-22T09:15:00.000-07:00

Jeffery and I are "introducing" Justin Bond tonight at his show at the Highline Ballroom. I don't really know what that means, to "introduce" someone at their show. I have an audio clip of Noel Coward introducing Marlene Dietrich before her London concert, but neither of us really write like Noel Coward. If we're not satisfied with the ideas we have, we'll just stick to taking our clothes off and referencing supporting actresses from our favorite eighties and nineties sitcoms. If'n you're in the NYC area and you're a fan of Justin Bond (and who isn't), please COME!

Birthday.

2009-07-20T08:34:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Natalie Wood, Billy Mays, and Sandra Oh! Good job, guys! Billy and Natalie are probably splitting a banana cupcake in Hell, Sandra Oh is eating fish sandwiches alone in her bedroom (as a political statement until Lisa Ling's sister is home). And me? Well I'm getting by just fine.

I had company in for the weekend. Everyone always says this, but I do appreciate the opportunity to do things I normally wouldn't do.

On Saturday we went to see the Frank Lloyd Wright stuff at the Guggenheim. It's fun because you spend the whole time walking up the spiral staring at miniature models of Frank Lloyd Wright designs, then you get to the top and look out on the museum and all of a sudden, YOU'RE IN the miniature model.

After that we stood in a long line for burgers, let loose in a candy store, then saw a movie called Dead Snow a Norwegian horror film about Nazi Zombies at Cinema Village. If you love horror films, you HAVE to see this. If you're like me and you don't care much for them, it's still pretty cool to watch Norwegians getting ripped apart by speedy Zombie Nazis.

Anyhow, last night we went to a birthday BBQ in Queens. Not for Billy, Natalie, or Sandra. For my friend Marti. Happy Birthday, Marti! Anyhow.

I'm gonna go make weird shit happen today. Later!

P.S. It's a mean trick that she's gone, right? A mean, mean trick.

Friday Fag

2009-07-17T12:38:00.000-07:00

Jesus H. you guys! The days seem to be FLYING by! It seems every time I plan for tomorrow it's already yesterday. Oh well! Right now it's today, and today I'm eating pineapple in bed. The man to whom I am romantically linked brought it to me (that's right bitch, bring me my fruit). Someday he's going to ask how come I never bring HIM anything. And I won't have an answer. And I'll be sleeping on the couch. Today, I'm also meeting a friend from out of town. I wish I could go out of town for a week or so.

I'm ITCH-ITCH-ITCHING to go on a vacation. My purse-strings are a little tight though. Maybe I'll pack a lunch and ride the 7 train to Queens and back. Anybody know a good vacation-on-a-budget destination? (And by budget, I mean $14). I'm not complaining. I'm broke and happy. But sometimes us actressy-types need a little space and a lot of sun to clear our heads. Just ask Joanne Worley.

Jeffery and I did our play last night. It was a crazy-mad-wonderful time. Opening nights are usually pretty swell because that's when it's all friends in the audience, but I still think it went pretty damn okay.

Watch a NEW episode of Jeffery & Cole Casserole tonight @11pm on Logo or watch it HERE right now! The bewitching and beguiling Justin Bond plays our principal in this episode. It also marks the return of Max Steele as Becky!

Anyhow! Chore time.

$10 TICKETS to Tonight's Show and a Creepy Picture of Me!

2009-07-16T09:29:00.000-07:00

$10 tickets to JEFFERY & COLE MAKE IT BIGGER if you click HERE!

At the door they're $18! Gross, right?

These $10 tickets are only available for tonight's performance and you can only get them online. If you're like me and avoid bank accounts and debit or credit cards of any sort (FUCK THE SYSTEM!) and can only purchase tickets at the door, then you're out of luck. Most people aren't that way, though. So I've heard.

And here's a creepy picture of me.

Byebye!

Mom can you give me a ride to play practice?

2009-07-15T06:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my last day at my day job, the bakery. I'm having a go at surviving solely on my creative endeavors. For the first time I'm unemployed without the guilt of "GET A FUCKING JOB" looming over me. Today is day one, and so far it feels like the first day of spring break.

In my time, the Escolas didn't do anything for spring break. Mama Chris would tell me and Kyle not to break anything and then go to work. If she was paid recently, she'd leave $5 to get Subway for lunch (for some reason Subway is the only chain restaurant in Clatskanie Oregon). That fucking rocked my world then. I scheduled my days around TV. Maybe I would go to the library, but usually not. If I did, I would sneak the ladies home magazines over to an empty part of the children's section (once I timed my "private sessions with ladies' magazines" to happen right before story time and ended up staying for it because I was sitting on the newly debuted Real Simple magazine and had to wait for the room to clear. The book was "Amelia Bedilia Goes Camping"... I was thirteen).

My point is: today, so far, feels like that (minus the library hostage situation). It feels like my mom just left for work, I have the whole house to myself, and I NEED to figure out my daytime TV schedule IMMEDIATELY! That's not the case though.

I'm actually at the home of the man to whom I'm romantically linked (I'm at my boyfriend's apartment-- I just don't like the word boyfriend), he's in the kitchen making fresh juice for breakfast (that's right bitch, make my juice), and I NEED to figure out how I'm going to make money IMMEDIATELY!

I'm going to try not worrying though. They say it's when you don't worry about money that it comes to you (the proverbial "they"). We'll just fucking see, proverbial "they," we'll just fucking see...

Today I'm getting a hair cut. Then rehearsing Jeffery's and my play, JEFFERY & COLE MAKE IT BIGGER.

If you go You should try to go an hour before and see Max Steele (aka Becky from Jeffery & Cole Casserole, among MANY other things) curate some Queer Punk Readings.

Off to have my hair cut!

P.S. Um, now that I'm job-less am I turning into Jeffery? Why am I up early blogging?

Uh-oh! I was naughty!

2009-07-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

FOR TICKETS AND INFO GO HERE:

www.tinyurl.com/VGLBoys

Happy Sunday

2009-05-31T15:46:00.001-07:00

http://tinyurl.com/sundaycole

VGL gayboy cole as JOYCE CONNER at The Anna Copa Cabanna Show

2009-04-22T22:48:00.001-07:00

VGL Boys: An Open Letter to Laurie Metcalf

2009-04-06T11:58:00.001-07:00

I Can Indulge Myself.

2009-04-01T07:02:00.000-07:00

Eric Gilliland 45

2009-03-12T20:47:00.001-07:00

Don't hear a lot of good whistlin' like this nowadays.

What I did today.

2009-03-04T21:36:00.000-08:00

Interesting

2009-02-15T23:03:00.000-08:00

Today was interesting. A black cat walked past me on St. Nicholas and it really freaked me out. I'm superstitious about that kind of stuff. So, being superstitious, I had to find the cat and kill it.

I'm so behind on American Idol it's sacrilegious! Anyone have it all on DVR? If so, can I come over? Hahaha!

HUGS & KISSES!

-Cole

P.S. the Bible says that animals don't go to heaven when they die. Just thought that was interesting.

Same-Sex Marriage

2009-02-11T05:51:00.000-08:00

How 'bout this weather! I've only lived in New York for three years so I'm still getting used to it. It's warmer outside than it was. What I mean to say is that outside it was noticeably colder before it got this warm. I've noticed the change, anyway. I also think other people have noticed. For instance, I was around people at one point today, and one of the people at that point said to me, "It's getting warm out!" "Yes, I've noticed that," I replied to the person. I think that's what life is mostly about: noticing things and replying to people. I've gotten pretty far on that.

This afternoon I was enjoying the warmer-ness as I was walking to work and I got a craving for a sandwich. I LOVE sandwiches. I love them so much that for a long time I wanted people to think of sandwiches when they thought of me. I wanted to be "that sandwich guy." I wanted all my friends to think, "Oh here comes Cole! I bet he has a sandwich with him! If not I bet he WANTS one! Man he loves those things!" But it never caught on. I even tried to always carry a sandwich with me, even if I didn't want one. I had sandwiches coming out of my pockets! But nobody ever noticed. Eventually I gave that up. Anyhow, today I had a craving for a sandwich. As I thought about what kind of sandwich I wanted, I started to wonder just how many sandwiches I've probably eaten in my life so far. I started to do the math. Now, I probably didn't have my first sandwich until I was about three, so that leaves 19 years of sandwich-eating. So I thought "multiply the average number of sandwiches I eat a week times 52 and multiply that by 19." But then I realized I probably ate a lot more sandwiches while I was in school than I do now, so I had to re-think my multiplication. I won't go into any more math detail, but I was crossing First Avenue and my sandwich count was somewhere around 1,800 when a cab stopped abruptly before almost plowing right over me. AHHH! Apparently, a red hand on the traffic light is a pedestrian crossing signal meaning "DON'T WALK" and not "DON'T WALK (UNLESS YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF COUNTING SANDWICHES." I've only been in New York three years though, and that's one of the rules I hadn't learned yet. Luckily I wasn't pummeled by the cab. Unfortunately the cab was rear-ended because it stopped so quickly. I was beyond pissed. Now I had to start back at my first sandwich all over again because I was distracted. "Forget it," I thought, "I'll start counting again when I'm less angry. If I count sandwiches when I'm upset I'll probably do the math wrong."

I told this story to a girl I work with and she told me, "that's illegal."
"What is?" I asked.
"You can't leave the scene of an accident, especially if you pretty much caused it. You have to stay until the police arrive." She replied.
"But I'm not the one that stopped the cab!" I said.
"But you're the reason the cab driver had to!"
I then asked if it made any difference, legally, that I was counting sandwiches. She told me it "No, it does not make a difference."

Oh well! Like I said, I've only been here three years. I'm still getting used to all these New York rules.

Oh! And I've eaten about 3,742 sandwiches in my lifetime so far. Wait! Make that 3,743! AHAHAHAHAHA!

JOYCE Ep.#1

2009-01-09T08:04:00.001-08:00

Episode 1 of JOYCE!

Insomnimania!

2009-01-06T23:49:00.000-08:00

Well go ahead and tell your friends; I can't sleep!

GAH!

Oprah advises not to stress or feel guilty if you can't sleep because that will only make you more awake. Oprah also has an eating disorder and a creepy boyfriend.

I've been trying to invent my own remedies for sleeplessness. They've included:

1. Imagining that I'm watching myself sleep (I doubted this would work and I was right. But I'm not ashamed to say that this made me horny).

2. Holding my breath (I'm not ashamed to say that this only made me horny too).

3. Writing colorful adjectives on my forearms and considering what else the moon might be made of (and now YOU'RE probably horny).

You know what ELSE doesn't make me sleep?

All beasts of burden scare the SHIT out of me, but buffalo are the worst BY FAR. There's no childhood trauma involved. They're just god-awful creatures.

"I remember sleepless nights and hating buffalo so much I could cry."

That's how I'll open my memoirs.

GOODNIGHT!

2009!!!

2009-01-02T19:34:00.001-08:00

The more Jeffery and I perform "Easy Street" for Ben Rimalower, the better we get. It's time to let others see it.

"You look thinner!" will always be the best compliment anyone can give another person.

I'm about to grab some popsicles and hop into bed. A fine evening.

Look for my album coming out this summer.

Yours, Mine and Ours,

Cole

Getting That Dead Opossum Smell Out!

2008-12-29T11:38:00.000-08:00

I'm throwing rocks at children out my window right now. Just trying to make sense of life. The little white girls seem to fall the hardest, but get up quicker than the rest. Figures.

I want to start a club called "Diet Starts Monday." This club will meet on the last Friday of every month to dine in or dine out on a huge gluttonous meal. The type of meal where you eat to the point of, "maybe I should just end it all now." Good idea? Great idea!

Pioneer-Chic should be the next fad. I'm way ready for bonnets and campfires. Aren't you?

By the way! Ellen won the poll on my blog for America's Favorite Lesbian. I'm not surprised about that, however I am surprised that Mae West didn't do better than Rosie. I voted for Rosie myself. The underdog, you know. It was the American thing to do. New poll coming soon!

Also too, I'm still in the mood for pumpkin pie.

You go ahead and take care of yourself then!

Blatantly Yours,

Cole